For many many years, I had mastered the art of outward perception. Personally, I think it was an Oscar winning performance. I first learned this art throughout my 13 years of marriage, of which people all thought we had the perfect marriage, but on the inside we were both dying. We thought it was better to have the appearance of perfection, rather than ACTUALLY work on what was causing the problem. Even after we divorced, I continued with that mindset, as that is all I knew. It was the whole, if I just pretend that everything is all right, it will be. Well......let me tell you from experience.....that does NOT work! So for many years after my divorce, even though I was much happier being free from the all that was going on in my marriage, there was still something missing, but I had no idea what it was. So I just continued with putting on that strong, confident mask everyday, meanwhile, once I was at home, behind closed doors, it was a completely different story. It was then, when I would finally let down my guard, that the tears would flow, the negative bashing of myself would ensue, and the loneliness would envelope me.
As time went on, it was getting harder and harder to keep that *mask* on. Some days I would even forget to put it on. It was becoming too tiring to be living a double life, but I had no idea how to change it. One by one, things started happening in my life that were wake up calls for me, but as each one came, I just coped with it and ignored it. As time went on, these wake up calls were getting larger and louder, but still didn't faze me. That's when the tragedy happened that turned my life upside down. Apparently I needed a HUGE slap up side my head before i actually started to take a long, hard look at things in my life.
After I spent a few months of being VERY numb and completely disassociating myself from life, I had finally had enough and started on my personal development path to work on all the things going on inside of me. I have spoke of some of the seminars and such that I have gone to, and none of this work is easy. It takes a lot of courage to actually have some inner reflection, as we are all pros at lying to ourselves. Two and a quarter years later, I am still in progress. I will always be in progress, as I have learned that the world's most successful people ALWAYS feel that there is more that they can learn. It's the people that feel that they know it all, are the ones that need the most help!
It has taken me some time to find the tools that feel right for me, and now I can finally say that what I feel on the inside is matching what I project to the world. I no longer feel like I am lying to the world, but most importantly, I am no longer lying to myself!! Some people in my life have had a hard time with my inner transformation, and I have lost friends over it, but I am OK with that. As those people leave, I am surrounding myself with amazingly, inspiring people. People who are of the same mindset as I am now, people who are not satisfied with mediocrity, people who are committed to their own personal growth and development. I have discovered the importance of surrounding yourself with people that raise you up to a new level, rather than drag you down to a place you don't want to be.
I firmly believe that it is NEVER too late to become the person that you were always meant to be, and that is the path that I am on right now......Discovering the GREATNESS that is inside of me!